Step 1: Admit that you have hit rock bottom
You have tried everything possible to make your marriage work but there’s nothing more that can be done. You have to admit that you have hit rock bottom and are ready to move on. This decision affects both you, your spouse, and your children if you have any. “You are making a decision to start fresh with a blank slate. It is scary and takes more courage than you possibly knew you had,” Block says.

Step 2: Take responsibility for your part in ending the marriage
It takes two to make it work or fail. “I realize that some people were cheated on or abused, and of course, those do not fall into this category, but in general, when the love dies, you are both to blame,” Block says. Taking responsibility provides growth and empowerment and more importantly forgiving yourself and healing.

Step 3: Be prepared to be single or a single parent
“If you aren’t ready for the realities of being single or a single parent, then you probably aren’t ready for a divorce,” Block says. You will have to be hands on and be present 24/7, whether it’s for yourself or your kids. It’s a good idea to make a schedule and a budget to keep everything straight. Take the time to decompress and have ‘me’ time every single day to help maintain your sanity and your center.

Step 4: Count your blessings
Divorce can make you lose sight of what is really important so remember to be grateful for what you already have including your children, family and friends, home, food, good health, and even your pet if you have one. “Be grateful that although your life is not perfect post divorce, it is probably better than it was while you were married,” Block says. Count your blessings every day and you’ll see just how much better every day will be.

Step 5: Set goals and visions for your future
Before you married, you had your own goals, but then that changed after saying ‘I do’ and you naturally adopted your spouse’s wants and needs putting your ambitions aside. Now that you single again, make a list and a promise to yourself to reach these goals. “Make a vision board or write down your vision for your future in 6 months, one year, five years and ten year increments,” Block says. “Envision what it will be like when your children are grown. The vision board is an ongoing process and read it often to see if you have reached some of the visions you wanted for yourself and your life.”

Get more tips from Lee Block at her site The Post Divorce Chronicles or LeeBlock.com.

 
Consciously shift from “too tired” to “rested and romanced”
 
Who isn’t too tired these days? We are averaging less sleep than ever and our sleepiness can impact sex drive. But sex and intimacy are important contributors to our overall physical and emotional well being.

When you’re feeling that mid-afternoon drag, place your energy on the goal (sex with your partner at the end of your day), and not the obstacle (“I’m tired”).  

Send your partner a few flirtatious text messages throughout the day to help sustain and build that energy until bedtime. At the end of the day, slip into something that makes you feel sexy, let go of any expectations, and enjoy time with your partner exchanging caresses and kisses in sensitive areas. Enjoy the build-up of your sexual energies lying next to each other, and you’ll soon begin to feel your back-up energy reserve kick into high gear . . .with passion to boot!  

Make an effort to mend fences
 
It’s hard to feel sexy and romantic after fighting. Disagreements and arguments can mean different things to different relationships. If you’re addressing a small annoyance like toothpaste tops being left off or toilet seats not being closed, agree to call a truce and uphold romantic plans you may have for the evening. Acknowledge that the annoyance is not personal, and recall your common goal for that night. Also, as corny as it sounds, hug it out! Real, meaningful hugs last a minimum of 30 seconds, and provide a level of comfort and contact that can relax and reconnect you and your partner. 
 
Create time for fun and (fore)play
 
Don’t make it all about the sex for special occasions. When making your plans, pick an activity you mutually enjoy or something new you both want to experience-– cook together, explore with body paint, schedule a staycation, or take a class together. While taking in the experience, focus less on the activity itself and more on each other–- look into each others eyes, mention the things you love about one another, compliment each other, touch, and kiss. The worries of the day will fade away and something else will likely be top-of-mind! 
 
Manage your “monthly visitor” for the sake of a sultry evening
 
Many women avoid sex during their period, either because of the “messy factor” or the cramps that accompany that time of the month. But, your period doesn’t have to be an intruder on all things intimate. 
 
Aerobic activity – anything that gets your blood pumping, including sex, can help alleviate cramps.
 
And when a friend or female client tells me that the only reason they’re not ‘getting physical’ while they have their period is that they or their partner is uncomfortable with the idea, I recommend they try Instead Softcup. It’s a menstrual cup that keeps everything clean and mess-free during intercourse. It can also be worn for up to 12 hours, so you can hit the town for that romantic date, and hit the sheets later for that steamy lovemaking session, without ever having to worry about your period!
 
Stimulate your confidence
 
What woman doesn’t have a trouble spot–or two or ten–they wish looked better? Whether they’ve gained a little weight from the sweets in the office, or are having a hard time losing that baby weight, women may feel like their body isn’t up to their partner’s expectations, and it can dampen their desire to be intimate.
 
If the first things you see in the mirror are your perceived flaws, it’s time to look at yourself through a new lens. Make it a point to find things you love about your body. And remember, lingerie isn’t just for your man–- it can help you feel great about yourself, too, if you choose negligee that complements your best parts. A sexy corset to draw attention to your bosom, thigh high stockings to show off those legs, or ruffled boy shorts to accentuate your cheeks will give your confidence a boost and allow you to focus on celebrating your sexuality and beauty.  
 
With or without lingerie, be present in the arousal and affection your partner is showing. Trust me, he isn’t noticing those extra 10 pounds!      
 
Forget the foils of a bad day in favor of frisky play
 
The boss chewing you out or your kids ruining the new carpet can have a lingering affect. But, don’t surrender your whole day because of it–one unpleasant incident does not equate to an entirely bad day. Be proactive about improving your mood and focusing on the things that went well or made you happy. Do something that makes yourself feel good or sexy, and create a good end to your day with your partner. Exchange massages, take a shower together, or transform dinner into an impromptu living room picnic.
 
And don’t forget, having sex releases endorphins that boost your mood, and regular sex is a proactive step to help improve and influence our ability to handle stressful situations. 
 

Make others feel good
Engage in conversation that ensure that others leave feeling better about who they are.

Own your insecurities
When you see someone who has what you secretly want, choose to be inspired by it rather than threatened by it.

Don’t talk negatively about others
Refuse to engage in any conversation that puts others down. Whether those others are people you know (i.e. your ex’s, your family, your work colleagues) or people you may never meet (i.e. Charlie Sheen or the Kardashian sisters).

Believe in yourself
Belive that you are fabulous, talented and perfectly prepared to do your life calling. You are enough.

There’s enough room for everyone to succeed
Do not see life as a see-saw, where someone else has to fall before you can rise. There is room enough for all of us to be our best.

Let others do it their way
Give the freedom to others, including Oprah, to do life her very best way even if you would do it differently.

Bring change by being positive to others
Realize that if you want to bring change to this world, more people are transformed by affirmation and grace than by criticism and shame.

Exorcise the exes
There is a veritable encyclopedia of life lessons to learn from our exes and the more we absorb the wisdom we gained from each, the more we exorcise their influence. Spend time contemplating your dashed romances and consider what they taught you. Write down the lessons learned and from this distill what you want in the future. There’s no point being bitter as this only leads to wrinkles. After all, you invited your ex-partners into your life so simply bless them, extract the positives and move on.

Re-purpose your discarded dates
Go through your little black blackberry of discarded dates and recent amours to see if you can re-purpose them. There are plenty of ways they can help you expand your potential to meet a partner. Firstly, you can offer to set them up with friends and then ask them to return the favor. You can invite them to singles soirees and dinner parties to boost the testosterone ratio. Discarded dates can also be great wing man when you go out trawling the city for likely suspects. Guys tend to have a far better douche bag detector than your girlfriends. These men might also ask you to tag-a-long to functions where you are likely to meet new prospects.

Feng shui your fridge, your wardrobe and your attitude
Let’s be honest, would you date you? Not only should you do an inventory of the exes but do an honest appraisal of yourself. Consider if you possess the same qualities you would be looking for in a partner. Spring is the time for shedding skins. It’s the perfect time to launch the new and improved you. Get rid of habits and attitudes that aren’t serving you. Think about it: no one is going to think you are fabulous unless you do.

Beyond this, work on your seduction arsenal from your wardrobe to your fridge. Both should be extensions of the new temptress version of you. Ask a stylish girlfriend to give her verdict as you try on every ensemble in your wardrobe. If you don’t feel datable in an outfit, then give it away. Then work out what new items you need to turn your wardrobe into a weapon of mass seduction. The next step is to feng shui your fridge. Wear one of your sexiest outfits to get you in the mood to throw out the TV dinners for one. Fill your fridge full of tempting nibbles and quaffable wine. If you are domestically challenged ask a foodie friend to show you how to throw together some simple delicious snacks. Let the world know you are prepared for romance.

Spice up your social life
You definitely aren’t going to find your significant other while stapled to your couch. Spend time researching ways to meet members of the opposite sex. Put as much of a priority on spicing up your social life as you would on a work promotion. Research all the different ways to meet men, specifically the type of guys you are interested in. There are foodie groups, wine tastings, and singles events from soirees to cooking classes to salsa dancing you can test-drive. The list is only as long as your imagination. Get out there and sample the testosterone smorgasbord!

Get together a cheer squad of female friends to encourage you on your spring dating odyssey. Carrie would never have landed Mr. Big with a cat as her only encouragement. These sassy sisters can escort you on your evenings out and may also help you co-host singles’ dinner parties and get-togethers. You can pool your resources when it comes to expanding your social circles. Furthermore, it’s fun to share your stories on the dating frontlines over a drink or a few. Private jokes are about as much fun as TV dinners.

Babe Scott is the author of Delicious Dating: The Single Girl’s Guide to Decoding Men by Their Wining and Dining Styles, which is available at Amazon.com now.

Against the idea that men and women are “wired” differently, and that men have to be “tricked” into love and marriage, Dr. Ruti offers 12 anti-rules of love:

1. Stop trying so hard
2. Stop being so cautious
3. Stop analyzing your every move
4. Stop expecting your guy to act like a caveman
5. Stop apologizing for being strong
6. Stop being afraid to have needs and vulnerabilities

7. Stop running after guys that don’t want you
8. Stop looking for a guy without issues
9. Stop manipulating the guy you love
10. Stop regretting very false step you ever took
11. Stop thinking of loss as a pure loss
12. Stop trying so hard– yes this is the first rule, but needs to be reiterated

The Case for Falling in Love is now available in bookstores nationwide.

Here are some tips for both men and women on sending their next love text:

Women to Men

His cell phone is the closest thing to “telepathy” that you can get
Rather than trying to force him to pay attention to you and “put the phone down,” texting him let’s you do a little bit of “relationship judo” and get him to do what you really want him to do without ever coming across as nagging or unreasonable at all.

Guys respond to visual stimuli
Guys are not always as emotionally complex as women and are a lot more blunt in their communication. If you want your guy to give you the romance and attention you crave, you’ve got to speak his language first. That means women should use visual language when texting.

Romantically, men need to feel like they are able to win you over all over again
The thrill of the flirt, the chase and feeling like he’s “still got it.” The “it” being the ability to capture your full attention. You stopped what you were doing to send him a note that addressed his interest to be your one and only focus of attention. It isn’t about control. It’s about feeling special and singular in your busy life.

Men to Women

Your woman’s cell phone is a “magic portal” to her deepest, most intimate mind
Women are already used to sharing their most intimate and private thoughts on the phone, through text and (less and less) through phone calls.

A woman is passionate at every age
The vast majority of women see their passions increase as they get into their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.

Women respond to verbal, descriptive and emotional stimuli
Women are hard-wired to respond to more cerebral material.

Make a list and check it twice
There’s no way to avoid it—holiday bliss will smack you in the face at every turn. From the first store decorations in September, until the ball drops on New Year’s Day there is no shortage of special occasions to remind you of your loved one. And if each one of these is somewhat painful due to grief, you may find yourself thinking it’ll never end. You may wish you could just hide under a rock until the last fruitcake has been thrown away. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. There are others in your family and friends circle—perhaps even children to consider. Aldrich suggests that thinking through the holidays ahead of time will help you to feel more prepared and to cope easier.

“Start preparing early by making a list of the things you may want to keep the same during the season, and those that you want to adjust somewhat—at least for this one holiday season,” Aldrich recommends. “Try to dial into your internal comfort gauge ahead of time—what would be too difficult for you this year? Really focus on the answer to that question. For a while, I even dared anyone to give me presents or offer holiday greetings. That was unrealistic and unfair to others. Survival requires looking deep inside yourself to determine what you might do to make this season tolerable, but harmonizing that with reasonable expectations.”

Adaptability is your answer for “first” holiday survival
As you start navigating the holiday waters, keep your emotional compass handy. Which way will the wind be blowing today? If you’re in a store and feel the need to walk all the way around the back to avoid the holiday decorations, then do it. Yes, you may feel a little silly, but the point is to spare your feelings. If you start writing greeting cards, and find you can’t continue—adjust your list of “outs.” They’re guidelines, not rules. If you’re not sure how you feel about an activity, give it a try. If it becomes too painful, alter the scope of what you’re doing or just stop it altogether. And don’t be hard on yourself about it.

“Think about what you can and can’t do in a matter of degrees,” explains Aldrich. “Maybe you don’t want to put up that 14-foot Frasier fir this year, but can you put up a small fiber optic tree? Will the world stop if you serve lobster instead of turkey at Thanksgiving? The answer is no. Those who love you will completely understand and support your point-of-view—and they may even like changing it up a bit. It’s important to stay integrated into the outside world. Never beat yourself up over the ‘can’t do’ list. If it’s that important, ask someone else to do the shopping or cook the goose for you.”

Embrace a balance
No matter what you do, you are going to be overwhelmed by emotions during your first holiday season after a loss. And it’s okay to let the emotions come. Talk about how you feel with your family and children—they are probably experiencing their own painful feelings of grief as well—but don’t let it be the only topic of conversation around your holiday table. Aldrich says that it’s important to try to find a balance between the two. In other words, don’t force yourself to exclude the remembrance of your loved one, just because you think it might be awkward—but don’t overdo it either.

“Trying to keep your emotions bottled up inside can lead to a major meltdown,” warns Aldrich. “Be alert for overloaded senses and remember that grief never fits into a neat timetable. No matter how prepared you think you are or how much of your life you think you may have rebuilt after suffering a devastating loss, grief can still bowl you over with emotion at any time: And it’ll happen at the oddest time when you don’t expect it. The point is that it’s okay to remember those whom you loved and lost through words, pictures, treasures or a kinship of tears. Just don’t let it be the focus of every holiday celebration.”

Replace the sting of loss with the joy of giving
Despite the festive spirit of the holiday season, you may find yourself focusing on what you don’t have. Instead, Aldrich suggests embracing the season of giving by transferring your love and caring to others that are important in your life, such as your children, grandchildren and friends. It’s helpful to focus on the human gifts of love that are still here with us. And it’s a good time to give to neighbors and friends in need.

“Consider giving a donation to your favorite charity in lieu of gifts to the adults on your shopping list this year,” she says. “Or you can opt to adopt a family and help to provide them with a wonderful holiday. If you can’t afford a donation, consider donating some of your time to the local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Here’s an added bonus—giving to charity makes you feel good about yourself and you can give in honor of your loved one. It’s a special way to give back and honor the memory of the person you have lost.”

Give yourself the gift of counseling
Depression during the grieving process can often lead to a feeling of hopelessness and despair, especially during the holidays. Individual counseling or a support group can help you get through the rough edges. There is no shame in seeking out support to help you through your grief. Often times the burden is too much for you to bear on your own—and a friend or family member may not be able to provide you with the help you need.

“Grief is not about being mentally challenged—it’s about being emotionally challenged,” Aldrich says. “I went to grief counseling that was offered around the holidays after the loss of my father many years ago. That’s when I found out how vital to the healing process it can be. There was something very comforting about simply interacting with a group of people who had also lost their father. That was my first experience knowing that—even though grief is different for everyone—there are commonalities that every person goes through. Often it simply helps to know that you are not alone—that there are other people that are suffering painful memories, too.”

Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Aldrich’s final point is a difficult one, but one that deserves addressing. The holidays are full of emotion, memories, and gatherings with people you may not have seen for awhile. The combination can be overwhelming for someone who is just starting to come to terms with a loss. Each new milestone after losing a loved one can bring all the feelings you’ve worked hard to deal with rushing back—and Aldrich says that for many the burden is just too much to bear. Grieving families sometimes get into accidents or do harm to themselves because they’re in a fog. Watch out for any conscious or unconscious harmful tendencies. Above all else, if you feel any suicidal tendencies, get help immediately. Call a friend or family member, your counselor or 9-1-1.

“There’s a treacherous balance between appearing superhuman, but underneath being super-depressed,” Aldrich warns. “I painted on my façade very effectively for several years after Gordon died. You have to come out of the charade sometime, and the holidays can force that on persons who are grieving. Don’t force yourself into emotions that just don’t match what you feel. If you feel as though you are slipping into a dangerous place, ask for help immediately. And keep reminding yourself that your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad or do anything self-destructive while grieving for them.”

“There is a ray of light at the end of the holiday tunnel,” concludes Aldrich. “Each one that passes will be a little easier. New traditions will become cherished over time, but you should still return to the memories with your loved one. I will always treasure the holidays Gordon and I shared together—the memories are still with me, even though Gordon is not. Life is always a combination of good and bad. We should all appreciate the good, and know that when bad things happen, the only way forward is to take one small step at a time. I think of it like walking on shells barefooted at the beach—you must step down gingerly before applying more pressure, or you might get cut by a broken shell. Either way, the wounds will heal.”

TOP 5 TIPS FOR MOVING IN WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER:

Pack and Plan Appropriately
Go through the items you have and decide what you can part with and what you need to invest in. Most importantly, discuss the big items like furniture. Decide before you move in together whether or not you really need the second sofa. Be realistic about what you can and cannot leave behind. Take advantage of old furniture by turning it into a profit and selling it via Craigslist.

Discuss Finances
Sit down and figure out who will pay for what. Are you going to combine bank accounts? What name will the utilities be in? Figuring out these details prior to the move will make the big move in day and subsequent transition easier.

Divide Responsibilities
Responsibilities include cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, and a wide assortment of less-than-sexy tasks. Make sure you rotate and take turns in terms of who handles what so you do not resent each other. Turn cleaning time into quality time by setting aside a few hours on the weekend to get things done together.

Make Sure to Keep your Own Time and Space
Moving in with a significant other can become smothering if you don’t make time for yourself. Make sure to keep plans with friends and schedule activities and outings to keep your own individual life active. The same goes for the apartment, keep some space for yourself. Even when sharing a small studio, having a closest or designated area for your personal belongings will help maintain a certain level of independence.

Keep Things Exciting
When living with someone, it can take a certain level of excitement and mystery out of the relationship. Make a consistent effort to expand dates beyond the couch and even designate certain date nights that involve an exciting night out on the town. Try new things, visit new places, or take a class together. This will help your relationship evolve as you are challenging yourself and continuing to learn new things about each other.

TOP 5 TIPS FOR MOVING OUT:

Divide Mutual Items Peacefully
Over the course of your relationship and time as roommates, you likely compiled items that are mutually owned. Instead of fighting over what belongs to whom, sit down and figure out exactly what is shared and what is yours. From there, try to peacefully divide the items, and if an agreement cannot be reached, sell the item and split the cash.

Figure Out Leasing Arrangements
If the lease hasn’t expired, figure out who will stay and who will go. If you both want out, immediately start posting on roommate boards and asking around for a subletter. If all else fails, break the lease. The lease needs to end almost as soon as the relationship does.

Seal Up Any Finances
Figure out all finances before parting ways for good. You don’t want to chase down an ex for money or be forced to stay in each other’s life because you didn’t square away finances from the get go.

Rely on Your Network of Family and Friends
Breaking up can be especially difficult when your boyfriend/girlfriend was also a roommate. Now more than ever you need to rely on friends and family to help get you through difficult times. This might involve sleeping on someone’s couch or having your friends help you find a new roommate and new place. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Get Rid of Leftover Evidence
After dating someone for a while, there is a lot that reminds you of them and these memories multiply after living together. If you are staying in the old mutual place, redecorate and revamp to make the place brand new. If getting a new place, leave behind anything that reminds you of them and pick up a few new pieces to give your new place a personal touch.

Directions:
Score 1-10 (1 is low; 10 is high) for each question. Add up the total at the end and get your results.

Start your quiz by saying the following:
I’ll know when I’m ready to date and meet interesting people that I may want to consider for a future long-term relationship when:

1. I have a network of support
I have friends and family members who love me and support my endeavors. I talk to them often and see them on a regular basis. If I ever have a major problem (sickness, accident, or crisis) I know whom to call.

2. I have cleaned up my past relationships
I have let go of old relationships that are over (better known as “baggage”). They no longer haunt my life. I don’t call my Ex “to see how she is doing.” I have completed my divorce, or said goodbye to the old lover, made peace with my parents, and brought dignified closure to relationships that no longer serve me.

3. I have a career future
I am engaged in a job, studies, or realistic plans that contribute to my career future. I can take care of myself financially, or am well on my way toward that goal.

4. I am open to healthy new adventures
Since dating life is a big adventure, I am open to what lies in store for me. I am brave enough to get out socially and make an effort to talk to people and be friendly. I tell friends and family that I would like to meet someone. I am clear about what is okay with me and what is not, and I am ready to consider new activities.

5. I contribute positively to someone’s life
I do something nice for someone at least once a day. I make an effort to help an elderly person in my neighborhood or I volunteer my services a few hours a week to a charitable organization.

6. I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit
I keep my doctor’s and dentist’s appointments. I am addiction free, have a weekly exercise routine, watch what I eat, and am generally upbeat about life. I am not afraid to say I need help if I am struggling in any of those areas.

7. I am loyal and trustworthy
I am wise enough to know not to gossip about people behind their backs. I am known to keep my word and handle my agreements. I do not say one thing and do another. My friends, neighbors, and family members know that they can count on me.

8. I am responsible with my finances
I am good at budgeting and living within my income, whatever it is. If I am struggling with money problems, I get financial counseling and emotional support. If I am not happy with the amount of money I make, I am good at figuring out how to create what I need by either cutting back on expenses or finding ways to earn more income.

9. I have a strong single life
I am not looking for someone to make my miserable life happy. I have people, activities, hobbies, and work that I love. I wouldn’t mind sharing my life with someone wonderful, but I am complete on my own.

10. I know what I want
I have learned from past relationships and experiences that I have some very definite requirements in order for my life to be happy. If I compromise those requirements, I will not be the person I want to be. I know what my values, requirements, and needs are for my life.

Results:

If you score above 80, you are ready to date with ease.

If you score between 80 and 50, you need to take dating slowly while you work on your life.

If you score below 50, give yourself a break from dating and focus on one category you can improve. When you grow strong in one area, several others will improve at the same time.

The lowest rated areas are the ones you need to work on. While you work on your challenging areas, take a look at your strengths and celebrate them. These are the strengths you take to your dating life.

“We’re not just a dating website, but provide support and content to help guide people through the path of a relationship recovery,” said David R. Martin, Vice President of Development of OTTNO. “By doing so, we hope to help people achieve self-actualization and become the best person they can be, which naturally leads them to becoming more attractive to the kinds of partners they want.”

Here are some features users can engage in:

Recover
Focuses on self-improvement with an emphasis on health, fitness, fashion, career and goals.

Regroup
Gathers a user’s network of friends and family into their support system.

Rebound
Encourages people to move on and focus on finding “the next one.”

Search
Provides various search options to locate the potential “next one.”

Determine who’s viewed you
Learn more about who has viewed your profile.

Photos
Upload photos to help others learn about you.