Thursday, May 26, 2011
By Julie Wiegan
Having trouble getting in the mood with your partner due to juggling so many different responsibilities? Certified sexologist Nikki Morgan has some tips on how to get your sex life back on track.
Consciously shift from “too tired” to “rested and romanced”
Who isn’t too tired these days? We are averaging less sleep than ever and our sleepiness can impact sex drive. But sex and intimacy are important contributors to our overall physical and emotional well being.
When you’re feeling that mid-afternoon drag, place your energy on the goal (sex with your partner at the end of your day), and not the obstacle (“I’m tired”).
Send your partner a few flirtatious text messages throughout the day to help sustain and build that energy until bedtime. At the end of the day, slip into something that makes you feel sexy, let go of any expectations, and enjoy time with your partner exchanging caresses and kisses in sensitive areas. Enjoy the build-up of your sexual energies lying next to each other, and you’ll soon begin to feel your back-up energy reserve kick into high gear . . .with passion to boot!
Make an effort to mend fences
It’s hard to feel sexy and romantic after fighting. Disagreements and arguments can mean different things to different relationships. If you’re addressing a small annoyance like toothpaste tops being left off or toilet seats not being closed, agree to call a truce and uphold romantic plans you may have for the evening. Acknowledge that the annoyance is not personal, and recall your common goal for that night. Also, as corny as it sounds, hug it out! Real, meaningful hugs last a minimum of 30 seconds, and provide a level of comfort and contact that can relax and reconnect you and your partner.
Create time for fun and (fore)play
Don’t make it all about the sex for special occasions. When making your plans, pick an activity you mutually enjoy or something new you both want to experience-– cook together, explore with body paint, schedule a staycation, or take a class together. While taking in the experience, focus less on the activity itself and more on each other–- look into each others eyes, mention the things you love about one another, compliment each other, touch, and kiss. The worries of the day will fade away and something else will likely be top-of-mind!
Manage your “monthly visitor” for the sake of a sultry evening
Many women avoid sex during their period, either because of the “messy factor” or the cramps that accompany that time of the month. But, your period doesn’t have to be an intruder on all things intimate.
Aerobic activity – anything that gets your blood pumping, including sex, can help alleviate cramps.
And when a friend or female client tells me that the only reason they’re not ‘getting physical’ while they have their period is that they or their partner is uncomfortable with the idea, I recommend they try Instead Softcup. It’s a menstrual cup that keeps everything clean and mess-free during intercourse. It can also be worn for up to 12 hours, so you can hit the town for that romantic date, and hit the sheets later for that steamy lovemaking session, without ever having to worry about your period!
Stimulate your confidence
What woman doesn’t have a trouble spot–or two or ten–they wish looked better? Whether they’ve gained a little weight from the sweets in the office, or are having a hard time losing that baby weight, women may feel like their body isn’t up to their partner’s expectations, and it can dampen their desire to be intimate.
If the first things you see in the mirror are your perceived flaws, it’s time to look at yourself through a new lens. Make it a point to find things you love about your body. And remember, lingerie isn’t just for your man–- it can help you feel great about yourself, too, if you choose negligee that complements your best parts. A sexy corset to draw attention to your bosom, thigh high stockings to show off those legs, or ruffled boy shorts to accentuate your cheeks will give your confidence a boost and allow you to focus on celebrating your sexuality and beauty.
With or without lingerie, be present in the arousal and affection your partner is showing. Trust me, he isn’t noticing those extra 10 pounds!
Forget the foils of a bad day in favor of frisky play
The boss chewing you out or your kids ruining the new carpet can have a lingering affect. But, don’t surrender your whole day because of it–one unpleasant incident does not equate to an entirely bad day. Be proactive about improving your mood and focusing on the things that went well or made you happy. Do something that makes yourself feel good or sexy, and create a good end to your day with your partner. Exchange massages, take a shower together, or transform dinner into an impromptu living room picnic.
And don’t forget, having sex releases endorphins that boost your mood, and regular sex is a proactive step to help improve and influence our ability to handle stressful situations.